Letting Go!

Today, I'm blogging about the caregiver!  As a mother who was ready to persue her own  interest when daughter entered college - it was a shock when daughter presented with the weird symptoms of Fibromyalgia.  Just as my daughter started to look more seriously  forward to her future during  her junior year of college, I had started  to dreaming of her first apartment, her first new job in her chosen field,  meeting the  associates she worked with, and many other " first" that would occur as she navigated life after college graduation, and possibly law school. 

Both our dreams were shattered as we learned to deal with the symptoms of fibromyalgia, and learned that it would never "go away".  There was no magic pill.  What would the future bring?  Would she be housebound?     How frustrating it was when the medical community had no definate answers.  As a mother, I was just as devastated as my daughter, just in a different manner. I let go of just being a mother, and went full steam into caregiver mode 24/7. 

I lost my idenity of wife and mother, and became the caregiver.  I had to let go of the my personal interest and activities and focus primarily on  projecting  a positive attitude, handling my daughter with loving patience. I had to quit crying over this thing that took away the daughter I love, and turn that energy around to build up and support my daughter into the  the person she could become in spite of this diagnosis.  In those first dark few months, I was thankful her symptoms were not those of a fatal disease, but angry, because there was no path to follow.  Even though we were together, she was alone in the fibro wilderness forging her personal path one step at a time.

I was concerned with more immediate problems. Foremost, could she get out of the bed onto the couch for a few hours?  Could she look at TV without getting sick, could she focus for 1/2 hour on a tv show? She did not have the strength or ability to read a book, so could she read a magazine article? Were her medications working, if not, why and what could we do about it.  Daughter and I breathed the same air, so to speak. And when she cried with pain, and frustration, I had to help her deal with pain with medication, rationalazation, and less emotion.  The first days, read that months, my schedule was her schedule.  The First Days!  Yes, the first days, I cried right along with her, but where was the hope in that?

Now I am on the other side of the coin.  The last 18-24 months have been more productive for my daughter. She still has the symptoms of fibromyalgia, but her medications are helping her to control/reduce them.  Many of her symptoms are greatly reduced, but occassionally she may be housebound. She makes it a point to get out of the house, and somedays, that means I drive!  When possible, I send her to the grocery, and she shops according.  To date, she is still unable to work, however, that day will come.  This past weekend was  our first trip away from home where we drove a few hours to a nearby conference.  It took us weeks to shop, days to pack, and we left at 9:00 at night. Why, because she had class that night, and she is at her best during late night hours.  Because during the darkness, there may be less to look at and less to challenge the senses.   Driving back was different.  Yes, we had to stop a lot and take a break from the car vibration.  But the shopping malls and stores were open, and we took good advantage of that.   My challenge is to have a plan for MY free time, when she has a few hours of class, or play practice or she is out with friends for lengthy periods of time. Now I am learning to breathe, let go, and have a nice glass of wine, now and then.  

From a Mother's Prospective, today, right now, letting go, can be a good thing!